never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
