I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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