ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
