You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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