Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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