i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
