1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
