There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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