if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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