totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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