you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
