Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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