Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
