I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
