he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
