You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
