Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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