how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
