My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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