I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sorry about my life...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
