she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
