Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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