Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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