i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
