im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
