If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
