once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
