ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
