but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
