You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
