do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
