i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
