I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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