They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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