You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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