So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
