Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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