Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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