my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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