I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize