I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
