Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
