My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
