Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Can i not drive my cunt home
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
