I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
