Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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