New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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