Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
