24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
