Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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