i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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