I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
