Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
