Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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