Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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