mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
