Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize