writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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