did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
